SOME OPERA SONGS
By Donald Trump
Note from the editor:
When I bought this newspaper I was told that the staff were great people. But after taking over I had to fire everyone. They were bad people. Very, very bad people. Not good people. Bad people. No work ethic. Didn’t get things done. But even after the firings, the product I put out here is fantastic, amazing. Everyone agrees that this is the very best paper in New York. Those very bad people started their own newspaper. As you know, they have no class. None at all. Their newspaper steals all my unbelievable ideas, even the idea of a music column, which I invented. They are classless idiots. They can write about their Van Morrison—who by the way is a very close friend of mine—and their Sting—he does tantric yoga at one of my private islands in the Caribbean—and their Neil Young—disgusting man—and all those Hollywood types. They have no class. We have class. So I have a new policy. Every week we will have opera reviews. These will be very classy. And because I have a very good brain, I will be writing the first one about a new mix of my opera favorites, which you can buy at my website.
DONALD’S OPERA MIX -- PART I
Wagner: Tannhauser – Pilgrim’s Chorus
This guy Wagner was brilliant, although he was German. He wrote good music. He had this thing for fat women in his operas, though, and I’m glad to see that these Wagner opera women are getting skinnier. Some of the talent from my Atlantic City shows could definitely help out most of the productions I’ve seen lately. Except for that Anna Netrebko. Super hot. A real babe.
Luckily, this number is all guys, so no piggies singing here. I’ve been told that this song has a Nazi feel to it. I have trouble understanding why people say that. The Germans are great people. I have lots that work for me in business. Hardworking. Good for business. Anyways, these singer guys have pipes. They definitely should get to it a bit faster, though. All of this starting soft and slowly building to a crescendo is ridiculous. My people are rewriting this and very soon we’ll have an even better version of this song for you.
Puccini: La Boheme – Che Gelida Manina
Why do these Italians always write their stuff in a foreign language? But this one is pretty good. The Italian guy singing, Pavarotti, was named after a famous ice cream and he is really okay. But why grab her cold hand? That’s a loser move. This guy should just go for it. You know, grab ‘em by somewhere else. But although he needs some help, this guy is an okay singer. I’m a good singer. A lot of you don’t know this about me, but I was in a choir for many, many years and just happen to have perfect pitch. It’s something I was born with. I truly am a great singer. Astounding. And I will tell you this: when this guy hits the high notes he may even be as good as me. He’s definitely a better singer than Hillary Clinton, who is tone deaf.
Puccini: La Boheme – Si, Mi Chiamano Mimi
So what, do you think that because your name is “Mimi,” you get a pass? Wrong. Even though you are sick with tuberculosis you’re still not thin enough to be hot. You’re a loser. Losers don’t take care of themselves and it’s showing. And the way you throw yourself at the Rudolph guy is disgusting and trashy. Not a classy broad.
Puccini: La Boheme – O Soave Fanciulla
More of this I-tie stuff. And “Puccini,” what does that even mean, “little dog”? “Little pouch”? Whatever it is, it’s little and it’s in his last name, so that makes this guy’s whole family little losers. And this is the third piece in a row by this guy and all back to back to back in one opera. But doing this kind of thing is like when I was dating those hot Anderson triplets. Who needs back to back to back? Somebody should tell this guy to put some filler in between these songs. Still don’t know what this fantastic Rudolph guy sees in this dying, diseased shameful woman.
[Ed.-- I'll publish more of Donald's stunning reviews in the coming weeks.]